I will admit it, I have a body type that makes me look a little pregnant. It has gotten worse in my old age and after the babies stretched out all my guts. I always think that I have made peace with it, until someone gives me the up and down look and then assumes I am pregnant and asks me something about it. I thought we had decided as a society that this is very rude. I know that the people who do this do not intend to offend me, but we all know they are saying I am fat. Once I tell them I am not pregnant, they get awkward. People feel bad that they have insulted me. They try to apologize and then I feel bad for them. I think that if you accidentally insult someone in this way, you should add another insult and then walk away. That way, you continue to be the bad guy and I only have to feel bad because you insulted me, not because you feel bad. It might go like this:
Rude Person (after up and down look): oh, when is your due date?
Me: In the past, I already had three babies.
Rude Person: Good, because you have a really ugly face and you wouldn't want to pass that on to more children. (mic drop and walk away)
If I were to take this another level higher, I could think of all the ways that the person is really paying me a compliment. Here are some ways that I have come up with, feel free to add some yourself.
- The person assumes that I am young enough to get pregnant. Perhaps I should respond with, "I do look young, don't I! Thanks for noticing."
- The person notices that my children are so adorable and well behaved that I would obviously want as many as possible. Perhaps I should respond with, "My current children are a delight, aren't they!"
- Similar to the previous point, the person realizes that my mothering skills are at rockstar levels and they just assume that I would want as many children as possible to experience my awesome mothering. Perhaps I should respond with, "I will just start parenting your children if you want."
- The person notices that my marriage is delightful (and/or how attractive my husband is) and assumes that I am having a lot of marital relations. Perhaps I should respond with, "Please stop picturing me and my husband naked."
- The person notices how hot and social I am and assumes I am having a lot of extramarital adult relations. Perhaps I should respond with just a few gyrating hip thrusts in their general direction.
