This morning I was shaving my legs using conditioner (#TMITuesday). Sometimes I use conditioner, sometimes I don't, it depends on what is in the most supply in the shower. However, using conditioner reminded me of a few conversations from my past. One conversation was with one of my cousins and she told me that she always uses conditioner, because when we were young I told her that was the best way to shave your legs. I do not remember telling her that. However, I do remember when a different cousin told me the same thing. This got me thinking, that I remember things that people tell me way better than I remember things I tell other people. In my mind, I am a leg shaving information gatherer, but in the mind of others, I am a leg shaving information giver.
You have a lot of time to think while you are shaving your legs. For a while I thought that maybe I do lots of little good things for/to people and I just don't remember them. Then I started to worry that maybe I do a lot of bad things for/to people and I don't remember them.
I am not a person who thinks that everything I do is nice, but I TRY to be nice to everyone. There are times that I have been mean and many of those times stick out to me and cause guilt whenever I think of them. There are times when you are mean for a reason, like a jerk woman just asked if you are pregnant, but then there are reasons you are just mean on accident for no reason. I still cringe at the thought of the time in kindergarten I told the shy girl she couldn't follow me around because she wasn't my friend. There is the way we used to hide from and run from certain cousins just because we decided they were the one that was "bad" that day. Then there was the time in middle school where a kid I knew from a summer program said hi to me and I just walked away because I didn't know what to say. There are countless others that I can't list here because you would think much less of me.
Anyway, the question is, are there tons of other times that I have been perceived as unreasonably mean and I just don't remember them? OR, do mean things stick in my head easier than nice things? The topic of how other people perceive you has come up a lot recently in conversation with friends. That is when I realized that it is hilarious to say, "To quote butthole surfers...". For those of you that don't know, The Butthole Surfers are a band and their most famous song has "you never know just how you look through other people's eyes" in the chorus. I think in general, when talking with friends, we decided that our friends see us better than we see ourselves. Is that because we are insecure about ourselves? Or is that because our friends are nice and assume the best of us? I wonder how casual acquaintances see me. Of course, it has long been my motto that it is none of my business what other people think about me. I would go crazy if I was trying to make every one think well of me.
What are your thoughts about this? Are all people hard on themselves? Do you think some people are just smug and always think they are great? I like to think that I have pretty high self confidence. To quote Ahbed from Community, "I have self esteem pouring out my ass." But, even with all my confidence, I still have a lot that I am insecure about.
