Monday, August 22, 2016

Ever Vigilant of People Falling in Love With Me.

I am new to binge watching shows.  We just got Netflix streaming to watch the Bill Murray Christmas Special (totally worth it) and when I found I could watch shows on my phone while I am doing the dishes and the kids are watching boring things on the TV, I was hooked.


I have been binge watching The Office and Gilmore Girls.  I watch it when I do the laundry, or go on the treadmill, or do the dishes, or drive to work.  (just kidding, I don't watch and drive, although that would be awesome)  I have learned that the trouble with binge watching shows, is that you get sucked into them and then you kind of feel like you are in that world.  Does this happen for everyone?  It makes me think I better be careful before I binge watch the Sopranos or Orange is the new black.  Anyway, this is not a problem when I watch The Office, because that world is very similar to my world.  I pick a person who is me, Jim, and then that world and my world are very similar.  We are both hilarious and we both work in an office with crazy people.






Gilmore Girls is causing me a bigger problem.  Loralai and Rory are very similar, so I have decided that I am a combo of the two.  Then, the plots of the shows are a mix of every man they meet falling in love with them and not getting along with their parents/grandparents.  I saw my parents this weekend and as much as I tried to get them to judge my life choices of 16 years ago, they were delightful and did no such thing.  They didn't try to manipulate me or get mad for arbitrary reasons.  They also get most of my jokes.  So obviously that part didn't match up.  This must mean that the part about every man I meet being in love with me is extra true.  I must be constantly vigilant that everyone I meet has fallen in love with me because of my quirky personality, my witty banter, and my love of junk food.  I can't read a book in front of anyone or listen to cool music because then they will extra fall in love with me.  It is fine to go through life with everyone being in love with me.  Everyone knows that Jess is the best boyfriend on Gilmore Girls and he shares many of his too smart, antisocial, bad boy characteristic with my husband, so that is a good fit.  The part that I have to be vigilant about is my admirers trying to lock eyes with me and then pulling me into passionate kisses.  This has not happened to me yet, but I watched a lot of Gilmore Girls this weekend and it happened to them a ton.  SO, I better be prepared. 


What do you think the best plan is to fend off all these passionate embraces?

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

No, I am not pregnant, thanks for asking...

...said no woman ever.


I will admit it, I have a body type that makes me look a little pregnant.  It has gotten worse in my old age and after the babies stretched out all my guts.  I always think that I have made peace with it, until someone gives me the up and down look and then assumes I am pregnant and asks me something about it.  I thought we had decided as a society that this is very rude.  I know that the people who do this do not intend to offend me, but we all know they are saying I am fat.  Once I tell them I am not pregnant, they get awkward.  People feel bad that they have insulted me.  They try to apologize and then I feel bad for them.  I think that if you accidentally insult someone in this way, you should add another insult and then walk away.  That way, you continue to be the bad guy and I only have to feel bad because you insulted me, not because you feel bad.  It might go like this:
      Rude Person (after up and down look):  oh, when is your due date?
      Me:  In the past, I already had three babies.
      Rude Person:  Good, because you have a really ugly face and you wouldn't want to pass that on to more children.  (mic drop and walk away)


If I were to take this another level higher, I could think of all the ways that the person is really paying me a compliment.  Here are some ways that I have come up with, feel free to add some yourself.
  • The person assumes that I am young enough to get pregnant.  Perhaps I should respond with, "I do look young, don't I!  Thanks for noticing."
  • The person notices that my children are so adorable and well behaved that I would obviously want as many as possible.  Perhaps I should respond with, "My current children are a delight, aren't they!"
  • Similar to the previous point, the person realizes that my mothering skills are at rockstar levels and they just assume that I would want as many children as possible to experience my awesome mothering. Perhaps I should respond with, "I will just start parenting your children if you want."
  • The person notices that my marriage is delightful (and/or how attractive my husband is) and assumes that I am having a lot of marital relations.  Perhaps I should respond with, "Please stop picturing me and my husband naked."
  • The person notices how hot and social I am and assumes I am having a lot of extramarital adult relations.  Perhaps I should respond with just a few gyrating hip thrusts in their general direction.
Can you think of any others?  Compliment away!

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

A Florida Fashion Blog


I just got back from a lovely Florida vacation. 

Disclaimer:  I did not visit any of my friends or family in Florida because I am disorganized and lazy.

My mom went to Florida in early January.  She had a great time there with her dad and some of her sisters.  While she was there, she purchased several new shirts and a hoody to help her look like a local instead of a tourist.  When my mom came home she REALLY wanted to lend me her Florida clothes so that I could look like a local also.

On one hand, no one wants to dress like her mom.  It doesn’t matter how stylish my mom is, I will always feel that I am young and hip and couldn’t possibly wear the same clothes as my mom. 

On the other hand, I saw the shirts and the hoody and most of them were totally my style.  They were wildly patterned, crazily colored, and generally flowy.  So, either my mom’s fashion is getting hipper, or mine is getting …well let’s not think about that. 

I took the clothes, but I am not sure that native Floridians are known for wearing loud colorful clothes.  It seems to me that it might be a thing that tourists do when they visit Florida.  When I got to Florida I realized the shirts were long sleeved, so I didn’t even wear them.  When I am in Florida, I am wearing short or no sleeves!  I don’t care what the temperature is!  I don’t need no stinkin bleepity bleep long sleeves.  I can wear them when I am in Michigan.  My pits need to breath.  This is the same reason I didn’t take many socks to Florida.  I am not wearing any stinkin bleepity bleep bleep socks in Florida. 

It doesn’t matter what native Floridians wear, or what other humans wear, because I did not dress anything like them while I was in Florida.  I didn’t mean to look like a lunatic in Florida, but I think I had a faulty packing technique.  I went through all my summer clothes and picked out all my favorite shorts.  My favorite shorts are all colorful with cool designs like flowers, palm trees, or pink flamingos on them.  Then I went through all my summer clothes and picked out all my favorite shirts.  My favorite summer shirts are brightly decorated in paisleys, flowers, and swirls.  When I got to Florida, I combined the patterned shorts with the uncoordinated patterned shirts.  To really bring the look together, I added flowered sunglasses and a big pink sunhat so I wouldn’t get sunburned.  Once it all came together, it looked totally Catherine, but very little like anything that “locals” anywhere would wear.  It could have been worse.  What if the patterns on my shorts and the patterns on my shirts matched like pajamas for 4 year olds.  That would have been much much worse.  I need to aim for coordinating, not matching.

Tell me about your coordinated outfit vacation packing techniques…please?


Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Pusiess and caslss

This is a picture that Dess's friend drew 
for her to illustrate the following 
story that Dess (3 years old) told me in the car.
I enjoy the creative spelling.

Once upon a time there was a Princess Sally who lived in a castle.  There was a scary dragon, but the prince took his blood out of him.  Princess Sally did not fight, because she was a good hider.  Princess Sally had a mom, dad, little brother, and little sister, but they are not in the picture because they were killed by a inja (ninja).  Princess Sally had a pet cat and the prince had a pet dog, but they are not in the picture because a wolf ate their bodies.

With plot elements like ninjas, dead families, and dragons, I think that Dess might have a future writing Disney cartoons.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Pulitzer and Hurst they think they got us, do they got us?

Last weekend the hubby and I ditched the children and went to Chicago for the weekend.  I kept calling us ballers because we lead such a jet setting life.  I don't really know what "ballers" means, but I don't care.

The idea started with my cousin Jeff who is brilliant at planning things.  Many of the cousins are big fans of the movie Newsies.  I like to think I am the biggest fan of us all.

Yes, that is Christian Bale dancing in the middle of this picture.  Yes, he is currently embarrassed of this movie.  Don't worry, when I am the host of the Tonight show he will come on, and we will discuss it, and then we will recreate this song and dance together.

What?  You have never heard of Newsies and you have never seen it?  Then how are we friends?  I am surprised you get any of my references.  I guess opposites attract and I will let this slide.

Anyway, they have created stage show based on the movie, and it is currently playing in Chicago where my cousin Jeff lives.  He had the great idea that we should all go for a visit to see it.  Brilliant.  About 17 of us decided to go visit Jeff and Jeffrey and they were the best hosts ever.




It is not that big of a deal to drive to Chicago from Ann Arbor.  It should take about 5 hours.  It is a HUGE deal for me to drive IN Chicago.  The last time I drove in Chicago I almost killed us because I had to get donuts.  It is my new policy not to drive in any city that has magnificent public transportation.  The last time we went to Chicago, we took the train.  That was moderately successful, but not at all baller.  This time the coach seats on the train were sold out and the first class on the train was the same price as flying.  Flying is much more baller, so we did that.  I was very impressed with our jet set life style until the reality of the tiny little plane got in my way.  It was still nice and quick to fly there, but the tiny little plane barely had room for the hubby to walk to his seat.  I have never been so thankful to be small.

My cousin Megan got us a great deal on hotel rooms, so that was very baller.  It kind of makes it more baller that we only stayed one night.  You have to be baller to fly somewhere, stay one night, and then fly home.  The downside to staying one night is that Jeff planned a bunch of fun things that took place before we got there.  I was a little bummed to miss them.

We had a pre-show dinner/party at Jeff and Jeffrey's.  It was perfect.  This was the real reason to go.  On my own, I would never plan to go to a stage show in another state, but throw in a ton of cousin fun and I am in every time.  It was fun to learn that many of the cousins felt the same way.  Some of the cousins are a bit younger than me, and therefore hadn't even seen the movie.  I never would have known based on their enthusiasm.  They totally had me faked out until they confessed.  After dinner, Jeff took amazing care of us.  He got all 19 of us out of the building, hailed us all cabs, threw all of us country mice into the cabs, and told the cabby where to take us.  The theater was beautiful.  The show was great.  I was worried that there would be a problem with me and the play.  I like the movie SO much, and Christian Bale is not in the stage production.  I wondered how it could ever live up to my expectations.  Luckily, they changed the plot just enough to make it like it was Newsies 2.0 and not a remake of the movie.  I needed to sing along with many of the songs, but no one minded.

Afterwards, Jeff took us to Downtown, located Downtown to do some karaoke.  Where did you go?  Downtown.  But what is the place?  Downtown.  These wonderful jokes kept me busy the whole walk there.  I was the first person brave enough to do karaoke.  It is good that I went first, because I did a terrible job, and everyone else did an awesome job.  Had I seen their awesomeness first, I wouldn't have gone at all.  The karaoke guy looked like Wolfman Jack and decided to ask me a lot about my life before I started singing.  He wondered how on earth I managed to work in an office.  he gave it a go for a short time but couldn't tolerate it.  He probably said this because I looked so rock and roll just like him.  He knew that both of us were very baller.

I told a fella at the office about my wonderful weekend, and he was shocked that a cousin weekend was considered a fun thing.  What are your thoughts?  Cousins = nonstop fun?  or Cousins=lame potluck?

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Did you attend any of your high school reunions?

If you were in my graduating class at Grand Blanc High School the answer is NO!.  Almost 10 years ago, a reunion was planned.  It was expensive.  There wasn't enough interest, and it was cancelled.

A few days ago, I was innocently sitting at my desk at work, minding my own business, when one of my younger coworkers asked if I had ever been to a high school reunion.  He had just received an email about his 10 year reunion.  I was super smug.  No way did I go to a reunion.  I polled the other people that sit in our row, and most of them had not attended one.  However, one woman did go to India to attend hers and she really enjoyed it.  I didn't think about it too much more after that...until the next day.

The next day I got an invite to a Facebook group that is dedicated to planning my 20 year high school reunion.  This is a problem because there is no way I am old enough to go to a 20 year reunion of anything.  I am just barely over 20 years old myself.  Even though this is obviously a mistake, I looked into the group.  It totally sucked me in.  There were all kinds of names that I kind of recognized.  There were other names of friends I haven't talked to in a while.  They were all talking about planning the event and all the options we have.  I started thinking about how I would go and how much fun it would be...and then it hit me.  Ten years ago, I didn't even consider going to the reunion.  All of a sudden, I am totally considering it.  I am somehow a totally different person now.  I am not saying I will definitely go, but it is already a huge deal that I am considering it.  

I have done some research on reunions.  I can remember seeing at least two movies about high school reunions.


These movies seem to equate high school reunions with judging the current status of the people you went to high school with and being worried about them judging you.  So I decided to be introspective about it.  Am I worried that people will not think I am thin enough, or successful enough or pretty enough?   I don't think so.  I also don't feel like I am way more thin and successful and pretty than I was in high school and therefore I don't have to go to the reunion to show them how much better I am now.  There is the plus side of going and getting to see good friends that I haven't seen in a long time.  There is the negative side of going and making awkward small talk with people that I barely remember, but have some slight impression of the person they were 20 years ago.  Would it be better if I thought of those people as strangers, and just made new impressions of them?  What if I start talking to some stranger, then realize they are someone I thought was a total jerk in High School?  What if they are totally nice now?  Do the jerks change after high school?

My sister did go to her 10 year reunion.  She said that the best part was near the end when she finally started talking to the people she didn't already know.  I like that idea.  It would be a great opportunity to meet new people.  However, I am not as outgoing as my sister, and the meeting new people part might be difficult.

If I go, I think I might NEED to get some sort of Romy and Michelle dress.  Would that be too meta?

So, I am polling again.  Who went to their reunion?  Was it fun?  Did you enjoy it?  Did you wear a crazy dress or hair style?  Did the jerks seem less jerkish?

Monday, November 24, 2014

None of your beeeeeeswax!!

When did it get rude to tell people that something was none of their business?  When I was a kid, it seems like I said this all the time.  I said it so often that I had an alternate phrase, "None of your beeswax," that I would use if I was tired of using the original phrase.


Recently, a casual acquaintance came up to me and asked me if I was increasing the size of my family.  It is possible that she was asking if we were in the market for a puppy, or about to open our home to foster children, but I am pretty sure she was saying that I looked fat and was wondering if I was pregnant.  I just answered, "no."  I am a little fat.  I know this.  Some days I work on doing something about it, some days I eat donuts.  It is something that I am not too worried about, but the pregnancy question is a great way for people to point it out.  For the record, this is ALWAYS rude.  In fact, a friend of mine spotted another friend of mine at the office.  Friend 1 is 99% sure that  friend 2 is pregnant.  If friend 2 is pregnant, I couldn't be happier or more excited, but I don't think I can send an email to her to congratulate her because even if she is pregnant, that would suggest that she looks fat enough to be pregnant and that would be rude.  I will wait until she tells me, makes it facebook official, or I see a baby. 


After the first rude question, the casual acquaintance asked how old the baby is and whether or not we were planning to stop at three children.  Well, just so everyone knows, the baby is one year old and yes, I currently plan on only having three children, but you can't ask someone that question, especially if they currently have a one year old.  Right now I am just relieved to occasionally get a full night sleep.  Maybe when I am better rested I will want to have ten more kids.  Generally, the answer to this question should have been, "None of your beeswax!"  Why does she need to know my family plan?  Why did I feel the need to tell her?  What if this was a hurtful question?  This is the type of thing that could be very sensitive to people.  What if I change my mind?  Do I have to call her up and let her know that the plan has changed?


Anyway, as much as I was annoyed by this woman, I am more annoyed at myself.  She was probably just trying to make conversation.  She doesn't know me that well, and when I am running after three adorable children, that is the most obvious topic to discuss.  I am sure I have asked questions that are too intrusive.  Sometimes it is because I am not being thoughtful.  Often it is because it seems like an innocent question to me, but is something that causes a lot of struggle for the other person.  Any question about dating, or a job, or a house, or a car, or a mutual friend could be sensitive in the wrong situation.  If all those topics are off limits, what in the world is left to talk about.  I can't just talk about the weather and TV all the time.  Even then, what if a snow storm killed your grandma or what if you almost got your big break on my new favorite TV show?  That woman was not the problem, my answer was the problem.  I think the solution should be that it is totally ok to tell someone that topics are none of their business.  I think I will try to say it nicely, and if they continue to pry, I will break out "none of your beeeeeeswax!"  I think that this will cause people to assume a lot of stuff about me.  It might also make me seem more mysterious.  But I think I might like that better than telling people private details of my life. 


How do you think this will work out?  Do you think I will start losing a lot of casual acquaintances?