no autographs...please.

It started months and months ago, but I didn't know it. Kim at work nominated her friend for a makeover on the Dr. Oz show. She didn't hear anything for a while and figured she didn't get selected. Finally she did get contacted. Her and her friend were selected to be on a segment about "housewives of Dr. OZ." However, the show wanted a group of girlfriends that would all try to lose weight together. Kim and her friend needed at least one more friend to be a group.

Kim asked her friend Renza to join them and she said yes. but she still sent out an email to a bunch of us at the office. They were going to try to do a karaoke group thing. Kim and Renza are members of a group at the office who I sometimes go to karaoke with. At first it sounded exciting. I was sure to get a great haircut at least. So I sent Kim my information and told her I was game even thought I didn't know what the Dr. Oz show was.

After I said I was interested, I started to think realistically about how the logistics would work. I reread the email and realized it was a weight loss thing. I figure this meant that they would drag me onto TV, in a sports bra, weigh me in front of everyone and then point out how stupid it is for me to eat fast food everyday. oops, I mean they would try to educate me about healthy ways to eat. The thing is, I am plenty educated about what foods are healthy...I just choose not to eat those things. Anyway, I realized that I didn't want my 15 minutes of fame to be wasted on showing the world how fat I am. I emailed Kim back and told her I wasn't interested.

There was lots of joking about how I should be offended that anyone would suggest I need to lose weight or need a makeover.

About a week later Kim called me. It was late Monday and I was at work. Renza had backed out, and Kim and her friend needed a third. We tried to think of other people who could step in...but the third person needed to be filmed the next day. Kim and her friend had already been filmed that day. I agreed to do it. A producer from the show called me a few minutes later. I was still at work and he asked me all kinds of weight questions. It was already embarrassing enough that I was answering the questions at work where everyone could hear me. The also asked me questions about my life. I think they were looking for my story. I think this is where I let them down. I have a great life. I don't have a tragic story that caused me to suddenly get fat. It just happened gradually as I got older. The only thing the producer found interesting was when I told him my favorite song to sing at karaoke was "Wonderboy" by Tenacious D. After we talked he told me he would call me later that evening. They would film me at home and in Detroit the next day (he seemed a little disappointed that I didn't live in Detroit). The plan was to film the whole group walking out of the Ren Cen, to get the lovely Detroit skyline, and then film us toasting eachother into weightloss. Then, they would fly us out to New York City the next week.

I got no call that evening.

I was a little disappointed because I had hyped myself up for it, but I was also relieved. I couldn't afford to take 2 days off of work this month. I also didn't want to be fat on TV. I also didn't want to work my butt off so I could impress TV land.

I would like to think that they didn't pick me because I was too pretty as a before and there wouldn't be a drastic enough change after my makeover. Or perhaps they thought I was too thin and you wouldn't be able to see my weightloss on TV. OR maybe they thought I was too well adjusted and that they wouldn't be able to make me cry on TV.

It would be very complimentary if they didn't choose me for any of those reasons. Turns out they just thought they didn't have enough time. Oh well, I think I will go on thinking it was because I am too beautiful.

I've been thinkin about my doorbell, when you gonna ring it...

VERY early this morning, just about 4:30 am, I swear I heard our doorbell ring and it woke me up. I kind of freaked out. I don't think you ever experience good things ringing your doorbell at that time in the morning. At least you don't when you are all settled in and established.

I got out of bed and peeked out the bedroom window. I saw nothing. I listened very carefully. I heard nothing. I woke up poor Nathan to see if he heard it. He heard nothing. I refused to go downstairs to look out the peep hole. (by the way, we have two peep holes in the front door. Nathan and I differ in height by about a foot, so we installed 2 peep holes so he could see out of one and I could see out of the other.)

I figured only the following bad things could be ringing our doorbell:

• A drunk person at the wrong house.
• A murderer
• A burglar
• A vampire (Once you invite them into your home, they can come and go as they please. At least that is how it worked with old school vampires. These new sparkly vampires might work differently)
• Zombies
• Mummies
• The Gestapo ("knock knock", "Who's there?", "The Gestapo", "The Gestapo who?" SLAP, "The Gestapo will be asking the questions.")
• Police or Firemen with bad news about the death of my family.

I was nervous but I tried to convince myself that it was all in my dream and I went back to sleep. About two hours later I woke up in a panic. What if someone had orphaned a new born baby in a basket on my stoop and I didn't answer that door? That poor baby would have been freezing out there for hours. So, finally I mustered up the courage to check the front door.

There was nothing there. So, it was either a dream, or the monsters got tired of waiting and ran off to another house.