No, I am not pregnant, thanks for asking...

...said no woman ever.


I will admit it, I have a body type that makes me look a little pregnant.  It has gotten worse in my old age and after the babies stretched out all my guts.  I always think that I have made peace with it, until someone gives me the up and down look and then assumes I am pregnant and asks me something about it.  I thought we had decided as a society that this is very rude.  I know that the people who do this do not intend to offend me, but we all know they are saying I am fat.  Once I tell them I am not pregnant, they get awkward.  People feel bad that they have insulted me.  They try to apologize and then I feel bad for them.  I think that if you accidentally insult someone in this way, you should add another insult and then walk away.  That way, you continue to be the bad guy and I only have to feel bad because you insulted me, not because you feel bad.  It might go like this:
      Rude Person (after up and down look):  oh, when is your due date?
      Me:  In the past, I already had three babies.
      Rude Person:  Good, because you have a really ugly face and you wouldn't want to pass that on to more children.  (mic drop and walk away)


If I were to take this another level higher, I could think of all the ways that the person is really paying me a compliment.  Here are some ways that I have come up with, feel free to add some yourself.

• The person assumes that I am young enough to get pregnant.  Perhaps I should respond with, "I do look young, don't I!  Thanks for noticing."
• The person notices that my children are so adorable and well behaved that I would obviously want as many as possible.  Perhaps I should respond with, "My current children are a delight, aren't they!"
• Similar to the previous point, the person realizes that my mothering skills are at rockstar levels and they just assume that I would want as many children as possible to experience my awesome mothering. Perhaps I should respond with, "I will just start parenting your children if you want."
• The person notices that my marriage is delightful (and/or how attractive my husband is) and assumes that I am having a lot of marital relations.  Perhaps I should respond with, "Please stop picturing me and my husband naked."
• The person notices how hot and social I am and assumes I am having a lot of extramarital adult relations.  Perhaps I should respond with just a few gyrating hip thrusts in their general direction.

Can you think of any others?  Compliment away!